some people ask me questions.

a lot of people don't.

sometimes i feel as though i answer many unasked questions, though more often than not i feel like i just talk about myself in uncalled-for ways. i feel like i come across as being selfish, or braggy, or overly talkative, or i feel like i have no sense of inhibition.

in short, i talk about myself a lot.

i talk about the worst events in my past with near-strangers. i discuss the less-prominent aspects of my psyche with people who likely couldn't care less. i talk about sex, and fetishes, and kinks, and turns-on and turns-off as though they were nothing out of ordinary human discussion. worse yet, i often post very personal things online, in blogs, or here on dA, or, god forbid, even gaia. i do it in very non-anonymous ways, too. i'm not afraid of people knowing who i am in real life. the truth is, well, i don't really mind blending real life and internet life, as my two lives are very much intertwined with one another, and they interact with each other on a very personal basis. i may act somewhat different online...i may act less shy, less inhibited. but the fact is that it's merely another facet of my personality, which is more easily manifested in an impersonal world.

to tell you the truth (whoever 'you' may be), i have a veritable trove of emotional scars. in order to compensate for this shortcoming, i allow myself to form as many social bonds as possible and regularly encourage myself to strengthen them. unfortunately, this tactic often leads to my demise, as i often too quickly rush into relationships, and tend to find myself disappointed, disagreed with, or even outright discarded. to mend these wounds, i again seek out companionship...truly a vicious cycle. but such is the nature of life, i suppose.

to this day i have difficulty forming relationships on anything beyond an emotional level. the very concept of consummation terrifies me. without beating around the bush, i'll say it outright: i am a tactophobe. due to past experiences forcing me into such a format of mind, i remain to find it difficult to associate touch with affection. even something as minor as a pat on the back will make me jump and shiver; anything farther than a kiss would surely send me into a panic attack. in every relationship i've ever been in, my partner has commented on how unresponsive i am when touched, or told, "i love you." i'd been told i "locked up" or got very tense, and my partner had begun to worry, but i stated i was uncomfortable or politely asked my partner to back off. or if i didn't ask and simply sat there unresponsive, my partner got bored with me and backed off even without being asked.

i won't deny that i truly wish to have a physical relationship with someone...but it becomes increasingly difficult the more i am reminded of my own shortcomings. i'm unattractive, i'm a ditz, and i don't really have any talents to speak of. i have numerous crippling phobias, i have several "inabilities" (can't ride a bike, can't swim, etc.) and worst yet, i'm stubborn.

oh, and did i forget to mention that i have difficulty being monogamous?

perhaps it has something to do with my sexually-open upbringing by sexually-open parents, or maybe even my childhood crises involving repeated sexual abuse. any way you slice it, i am a philanderer. i can't stick to a single person and never understood how anyone could. "with so many fish in the sea, why go home with just the first catch?" i'd ask myself. i never believed in soulmates. it never seemed possible to me to have a single person in the world one could bond with, with everyone else being set on the back burner. it seemed like such an egocentric mentality to me...and honestly, it still does.

i suppose some people are satisfied to stick with the same person throughout their lives, but...i dunno. to me, love is a lot like friendship. you can be in love with more than one person, just like you can be friends with more than one person. all it takes is the right capacity of mind, of which i can almost be certain most human beings possess. really, to me anyway, love is merely the pinnacle of friendship: a closeness not easily achieved by most people due to mental inhibition. unfortunately for me, i do not have that inhibition, so it's hard for me to understand when people are so fiercely protective of their partners and refuse to even let them SEE those of the opposite sex

which leads me to the purpose of this journal.

it's my turn to ask a question.

reader, how do you feel about the concept of a relationship between more than two people? and i don't mean flings, or affairs, or sexual-contact-exclusive three/four/sixsomes. i mean a genuine caring consensual relationship that just happens to involve three (or more) people.

respond, and i'll tell you my own opinion.